The Goatee Effect
The Dark Side is widely acknowledged as being more powerful than the light, yeah? A lack of morals or ethics in it's practitioners means they are more willing to push the boundaries of what The Force is actually capable of. OK, so long term exposure to all that negative energy takes its toll, clouds your judgement and drives you mad (not to mention the serious damage to your complexion) but for short-term power fix we are talking Red Bull cut with Speed and fed intravenously through both arms and right buttock. So what if you could harness this energy for a short period, who would you jack up long enough to take on The Green?
Why, The Green of course. Just think what turbo-charging all of Yodas skill, wisdom and ability would do to erm, Yoda. Midichlorian flavoured sandwich paste anyone?
How is this going to be possible I hear you cry? Alternate realities, that's how. Now I know the idea of parallel universes hasn't been explored by the bearded one over at Skywalker Ranch but it is a legitimate Sci-Fi staple. Think Evil Spock, Evil Vampire Willow, Evil Micheal Knight, Evil Vampire Willow, Evil Jean-Claude and Evil Vampire Willow. Now I would just like you to concentrate a bit more on the image of Evil Vampire Willow - and relax. Ahhhhhh.
MwwaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaa yesterdayAnyway, here's the plan. We find a mirror universe where good & evil are reversed (meaning degenerative effects will be experienced by users of the 'good' Force) locate our goateed Yoda, bring him back and let battle commence. As he will technically be a 'Sith' his power will be greater than his goody-two-shoes twin and it'll all be over bar cleaning up the slime.
Chuck is the key
Not much has happened since we left for Dagobar on our hols. Lovely place but a bit humid and not much chance of a tan. Anyway, Coho kicks us off again with this short but sweet nomination.
"I can't believe no one else has figured out that there can be only one opponent the wise and powerful Yoda could never hope to beat: Chuck Norris.
God's special advisor, yesterdayNo real argument needs to be put forth, as all thinking beings must bow to the superiority of the Mighty Bearded One. The Force itself emanates from and is centered around Him. If He were ever to deign to bleed, it would be pure syrup of midichlorians. The Chuck would be scraping smooth green paste from his crocodile-skin Tony Lamas inside of a minute."
If more proof were needed just click
here.
Assisted euthenasia for 900 year olds
Now here's one from the left field.
I would like to nominate my work 'colleague'. Some say he has a tattoo of Barbara Windsor on his left arsecheek, others say he thinks Eastenders is a hard-hitting documentary. Regular readers over at
smidsy know him only as 'mockney'.
He is a barra boy and geezer of the highest order and he does my fucking head in. But can a fat, balding fifty year old cockney really take on a fat, balding 900 year old Jedi master? Well here's the rub of it, he wouldn't actually take Yoda on. There'd be no fights, no clashing of light sabers, no gladiatorial contest pitching good against evil, light against dark, no titanic struggle of two acolytes of The Force.
He would take Yoda back to his house and show him his corner bar, telling him in great detail and using nothing but the language known as 'rhyming slang' and shite jokes, how he built it single-handed. Then he would introduce Yoda to the wife who would fill the master in on the latest gossip with their chav kids before sitting him down to watch a 15 hour slide-show of their holiday in Benidorm last year. But, before they can get out the photo album of all the Fords they've owned over the years, Yoda would politely excuse himself and retire to the magnolia painted bathroom where he would activate his lightsaber and fall on it.
some poor sod who accidently engaged 'mockney' in conversation down the pub yesterday
A magnetic personality
Now the dust has settled on The Doctor controversy it's time for another nominee and it's another Marvel favourite (
come on DC fans! - sparx). So anyway, how about Magneto? The dude can lift stuff with his mind (pretty force like) create force fields to stop bullets and the like and he can also contain stuff with the force fieldy thing.
Sir Ian McKellan after years of steroid abuse yesterdaySo I reckon that the guy will be able to wrap up Yoda and just slowly squeeze him. Until he is little more than green soup.
Let us also not forget that Magneto has been rejuvenated (possibly more than once, his history does have some gaps) by a mutant that he created, so he is very old, but looks like a young(ish) man.
Magneto is a mutant with the superhuman power to control magnetism. He can shape and manipulate magnetic fields that exist naturally or artificially.
Magneto's power is limitless. It has been recorded that Magneto once lifted a cargo freighter weighing 30,000 tons 50 feet into the air from a distance of 300 feet away. Beat that my little green friend, Im not sure the great Yoda would be able to stop that little lot from squashing him flat. Also, Magneto can use his magnetic powers in more than one way simultaneously, this is very much like a Jedi, fighting with the Lightsaber and lifting a flinging stuff, he can erect magnetic force fields with a high degree of impenetrability around himself for protection, I think that it would be enough to stop a Lightsaber, even if Yoda could keep hold of it when Magneto snatches it with his powers, leaving a large hole in his defences.
He also has some command over other elements in the electro-magnetic range, he has been known to shoot lightning from his hands and create enough heat to melt metal doors.
Oh and he also has the power of telepathy which will render the jedi mind trick useless, and may have some sway over Yodas mind!?
And he can fly, which is always a result.
So the fight would go: Magneto hovers in the air and either: a) picks up something mega heavy and drops it on Greeny , leaving a lovely pile of snot.
Or b) hovers above the ground, surrounds The (not so) mighty Y with a double hard bastard magnetic force field, and turns up the heat, thus slowly roasting him into a little morsel for Sabertooth.
And that, my friends, is that. Magneto wins. No argument.
Who else?
Happy New Year to one & both of you out there still reading this wonderful site. Our first nominee of '06 comes from The Remmus. And the bastard has only gone and nicked my next idea!
'Having kept track of this site since its birth, I feel now is the time to throw my contender shaped hat into the ring.
I give you......Dr Who
THE Doctor, several years agoWhat have we learnt from previous contenders? What are the qualities required to even give Yoda a decent workout?
1) The old immortality trick. Judge Death had it and in my opinion he has come closest to defeating Ye Olde Greene One.
2) Intelligence. Yoda has it in buckets, hence when he sees an ass whooping coming, he backs off, hides in a swamp and has a good old fashioned think until he arises once again and masterminds the downfall of his once deadly foe.
3) Fighting skills i.e. the ability to use a light sabre. No other weapon is as deadly as the sabre and we all know Yoda was the best (Anakin went and got his legs chopped off before showing his full skills). Both the Emperor and Anakin gave Yoda a good fight and both knew how to handle their sabres.
But how does the Doctor stand up to this test?
1) Immortality....check. You've all seen the TV series, this guy changes his face more often than Michael Jackson, and everytime he's killed/doesn't want to be typecast, he just spawns into someone else.
2) Intelligence...check. Now I'm not gonna suggest that I've seen lots of the show. That's mainly down to my generation being at a time when the Doctor was simply not around (apart from that shit one-off special they did in the late 90's and the recent stuff). But what I've learnt from Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant is this guy is the business. He knows all the alien laws, gadgets, weapons and languages. For fuck sake, he simply has to be conscious and the entire human race can decipher alien languages in their heads. And it's all down to him. In short, he knows everything.
And now the acid test...
3) The Light Sabre...check. This one may take some explaining as I'm already hearing the cries of He's never had a light sabre! And you would be right. Well according to the Xmas special episode, he's pretty handy with a sword which I see as a precursor for some bossing light sabre skills. Plus, as demonstrated in point 2, he knows all the alien and other worldly knowledge there is to know....he could build his own and we've seen how useful thats been!
But the real killer is this.....the Tardis. He's a Time Lord. Put simply, he goes back in time to just when Yoda was born and throttles the little green fucker. End of.
the_remmus'
