yoda

The Goatee Effect

2006-03-22T13:02:00.000Z

The Dark Side is widely acknowledged as being more powerful than the light, yeah? A lack of morals or ethics in it's practitioners means they are more willing to push the boundaries of what The Force is actually capable of. OK, so long term exposure to all that negative energy takes its toll, clouds your judgement and drives you mad (not to mention the serious damage to your complexion) but for short-term power fix we are talking Red Bull cut with Speed and fed intravenously through both arms and right buttock. So what if you could harness this energy for a short period, who would you jack up long enough to take on The Green?

Why, The Green of course. Just think what turbo-charging all of Yodas skill, wisdom and ability would do to erm, Yoda. Midichlorian flavoured sandwich paste anyone?

How is this going to be possible I hear you cry? Alternate realities, that's how. Now I know the idea of parallel universes hasn't been explored by the bearded one over at Skywalker Ranch but it is a legitimate Sci-Fi staple. Think Evil Spock, Evil Vampire Willow, Evil Micheal Knight, Evil Vampire Willow, Evil Jean-Claude and Evil Vampire Willow. Now I would just like you to concentrate a bit more on the image of Evil Vampire Willow - and relax. Ahhhhhh.

^{MwwaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaa yesterday}

Anyway, here's the plan. We find a mirror universe where good & evil are reversed (meaning degenerative effects will be experienced by users of the 'good' Force) locate our goateed Yoda, bring him back and let battle commence. As he will technically be a 'Sith' his power will be greater than his goody-two-shoes twin and it'll all be over bar cleaning up the slime.

Chuck is the key

2006-03-15T13:05:00.000Z

Not much has happened since we left for Dagobar on our hols. Lovely place but a bit humid and not much chance of a tan. Anyway, Coho kicks us off again with this short but sweet nomination.

"I can't believe no one else has figured out that there can be only one opponent the wise and powerful Yoda could never hope to beat: Chuck Norris.

^{God's special advisor, yesterday}

No real argument needs to be put forth, as all thinking beings must bow to the superiority of the Mighty Bearded One. The Force itself emanates from and is centered around Him. If He were ever to deign to bleed, it would be pure syrup of midichlorians. The Chuck would be scraping smooth green paste from his crocodile-skin Tony Lamas inside of a minute."

If more proof were needed just click here.

Assisted euthenasia for 900 year olds

2006-02-02T16:15:00.000Z

Now here's one from the left field.

I would like to nominate my work 'colleague'. Some say he has a tattoo of Barbara Windsor on his left arsecheek, others say he thinks Eastenders is a hard-hitting documentary. Regular readers over at smidsy know him only as 'mockney'.

He is a barra boy and geezer of the highest order and he does my fucking head in. But can a fat, balding fifty year old cockney really take on a fat, balding 900 year old Jedi master? Well here's the rub of it, he wouldn't actually take Yoda on. There'd be no fights, no clashing of light sabers, no gladiatorial contest pitching good against evil, light against dark, no titanic struggle of two acolytes of The Force.

He would take Yoda back to his house and show him his corner bar, telling him in great detail and using nothing but the language known as 'rhyming slang' and shite jokes, how he built it single-handed. Then he would introduce Yoda to the wife who would fill the master in on the latest gossip with their chav kids before sitting him down to watch a 15 hour slide-show of their holiday in Benidorm last year. But, before they can get out the photo album of all the Fords they've owned over the years, Yoda would politely excuse himself and retire to the magnolia painted bathroom where he would activate his lightsaber and fall on it.

^{some poor sod who accidently engaged 'mockney' in conversation down the pub yesterday}

A magnetic personality

2006-01-23T15:11:00.000Z

Now the dust has settled on The Doctor controversy it's time for another nominee and it's another Marvel favourite (come on DC fans! - sparx). So anyway, how about Magneto? The dude can lift stuff with his mind (pretty force like) create force fields to stop bullets and the like and he can also contain stuff with the force fieldy thing.

^{Sir Ian McKellan after years of steroid abuse yesterday}

So I reckon that the guy will be able to wrap up Yoda and just slowly squeeze him. Until he is little more than green soup.

Let us also not forget that Magneto has been rejuvenated (possibly more than once, his history does have some gaps) by a mutant that he created, so he is very old, but looks like a young(ish) man.

Magneto is a mutant with the superhuman power to control magnetism. He can shape and manipulate magnetic fields that exist naturally or artificially.
Magneto's power is limitless. It has been recorded that Magneto once lifted a cargo freighter weighing 30,000 tons 50 feet into the air from a distance of 300 feet away. Beat that my little green friend, Im not sure the great Yoda would be able to stop that little lot from squashing him flat. Also, Magneto can use his magnetic powers in more than one way simultaneously, this is very much like a Jedi, fighting with the Lightsaber and lifting a flinging stuff, he can erect magnetic force fields with a high degree of impenetrability around himself for protection, I think that it would be enough to stop a Lightsaber, even if Yoda could keep hold of it when Magneto snatches it with his powers, leaving a large hole in his defences.

He also has some command over other elements in the electro-magnetic range, he has been known to shoot lightning from his hands and create enough heat to melt metal doors.

Oh and he also has the power of telepathy which will render the jedi mind trick useless, and may have some sway over Yodas mind!?

And he can fly, which is always a result.

So the fight would go: Magneto hovers in the air and either: a) picks up something mega heavy and drops it on Greeny , leaving a lovely pile of snot.
Or b) hovers above the ground, surrounds The (not so) mighty Y with a double hard bastard magnetic force field, and turns up the heat, thus slowly roasting him into a little morsel for Sabertooth.

And that, my friends, is that. Magneto wins. No argument.

Who else?

2006-01-06T12:41:00.000Z

Happy New Year to one & both of you out there still reading this wonderful site. Our first nominee of '06 comes from The Remmus. And the bastard has only gone and nicked my next idea!

'Having kept track of this site since its birth, I feel now is the time to throw my contender shaped hat into the ring.

I give you......Dr Who

^{THE Doctor, several years ago}

What have we learnt from previous contenders? What are the qualities required to even give Yoda a decent workout?

1) The old immortality trick. Judge Death had it and in my opinion he has come closest to defeating Ye Olde Greene One.
2) Intelligence. Yoda has it in buckets, hence when he sees an ass whooping coming, he backs off, hides in a swamp and has a good old fashioned think until he arises once again and masterminds the downfall of his once deadly foe.
3) Fighting skills i.e. the ability to use a light sabre. No other weapon is as deadly as the sabre and we all know Yoda was the best (Anakin went and got his legs chopped off before showing his full skills). Both the Emperor and Anakin gave Yoda a good fight and both knew how to handle their sabres.

But how does the Doctor stand up to this test?

1) Immortality....check. You've all seen the TV series, this guy changes his face more often than Michael Jackson, and everytime he's killed/doesn't want to be typecast, he just spawns into someone else.
2) Intelligence...check. Now I'm not gonna suggest that I've seen lots of the show. That's mainly down to my generation being at a time when the Doctor was simply not around (apart from that shit one-off special they did in the late 90's and the recent stuff). But what I've learnt from Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant is this guy is the business. He knows all the alien laws, gadgets, weapons and languages. For fuck sake, he simply has to be conscious and the entire human race can decipher alien languages in their heads. And it's all down to him. In short, he knows everything.

And now the acid test...

3) The Light Sabre...check. This one may take some explaining as I'm already hearing the cries of He's never had a light sabre! And you would be right. Well according to the Xmas special episode, he's pretty handy with a sword which I see as a precursor for some bossing light sabre skills. Plus, as demonstrated in point 2, he knows all the alien and other worldly knowledge there is to know....he could build his own and we've seen how useful thats been!

But the real killer is this.....the Tardis. He's a Time Lord. Put simply, he goes back in time to just when Yoda was born and throttles the little green fucker. End of.

the_remmus'

Nick Nick

2005-12-23T09:01:00.000Z

I'm suprised no-one has suggested this guy before. As nasty pieces of work go, he's up there with the best of them and I think you will all agree i've come up with a winner.

^{Some fat bloke breaking & entering, tomorrow}

This geezer has been around in some form or other since the 4th century and possibly earlier than that if you check out some of the more pagan websites out there. Breaking into peoples houses, eating all their food, drinking all their sherry, dumping nicely wrapped up rubbish in our front rooms. And what's this 'Sit on my knee litttle child' thing going on? If this was Vietnam he'd be looking at the wrong end of a dozen rifles by now!

Then, when you learn that the man we know today as 'Santa' is actually an advert for Coca Cola*, and your kids favourite anthropomorphic personification's main job is to get them hooked on stuff that will disolve metal then the man's evil credentials are complete.

Happy Christmas!!!

*other brown, sickly vegetable based tooth-rotting fizzy drinks are available

2005-12-14T15:04:00.000Z

I’d like to nominate… The Emperor (at the stage he was at in Return of the Sith).

^{One of the more dangerous side effects of too much Red Bull, yesterday}

Now, this guy is THE Sith lord, he has kept himself hidden from view but has stealthily manipulated people to his bidding.

Check out the Neimodians in the first film, they were shit scared of the geezer and they never really met him (except via hololink) and on the strength of his say so waged a war against the Naboo. Sweetly done I’d say. He also had an awesome apprentice in the shape of Darth Maul, he was a sad loss to the dark side and the ultimate in lightsaberness.

Next came Darth Tyranus. When he and the big Y met in battle, Count Dooku did manage to kind of beat him. And yes his master was of course the Emperor, trained by him and used in a masterful fashion.

Move forward in time and see the Emperor ‘outed’ by a young Anakin, kicking Mace ‘look at my purple lightsaber’ Windu’s arse and then preceding to ruin the senate hall in fine style, check out the way he chucks those big seat things around!! Yes, Yoda manages to catch and re-throw them at him but the violence that is used by Darth Sidious is fecking crazy, and all the while laughing his ass off, proper mental! And then as a climax, proceeds to knock Yoda to the ground after he stupidly losses his lightsaber, c’mon Y, that is a school boy error that Obi Wan was berated for! And then the green one slinks away with help from a senator! What?!

Now, I’m kinda thinking that if the battle had carried on and that Yoda hadn’t run away, then I think that this Sith lord would’ve wiped the floor with the little green one.

Hello Boys.

2005-12-09T14:07:00.000Z

Monkey Boy has sent in the latest Nominee, the inflatable Lady Lara Croft.

^{She's on my laminated list, yesterday (and forever more)}

The case for Lara Croft

Wood paneled library,

Cool, silent

slow mince across the room to the Jedi Master,
a flirtatious smile,
a wink,
a lick of the lips.

3 feet apart,
the Wrinkly One trembles.

Lara reaches down and suggestively toys with her top button
the Old One distracted.
Hands on hips she stretches back
further straining the fabric of her tight white blouse.

Even the Celibate One has his limits
overcome he focuses the Force on popping that
straining, quivering,
top button
on LC's blouse.

An eyelash flutter

Pop….
button falls

Yoda gasps

BAM-BAM BAM-BAM BAM-BAM
6 slugs straight to the dirty old lechers head.

Case closed.

In at the death

2005-12-07T13:01:00.000Z

I've noticed that the majority of nominees so far have been 'good guys'. Well, I fancy a change of pace and you can't get much more badass hardcore than my next nominee.

Ladiessssssssssssssss anddd gggentlemennnnnnnn, I give you Sidney De'Ath.

^{The crimmme isss lifffe - the sssentenccce isss death! Yessssssterday}

Or, as 60 million (now deceased) Megacity One residents knew him, Judge Death.

Young Sidney had a normal childhood for a son of a mass-murdering dentist on an alternate dimension Earth. He killed his pets, poisoned his sister (badly maiming her) and eventually shopped his dad in to the authorities to gain entry into the Law Academy before executing him and hunting down and killing the rest of his family. Qualities that positively scream 'Yoda Arse-Kicker' I think you'll agree.

He also has one useful trick up his sleeve. In his own words; "You cannnnnott killllllll whattt doessssssn't livvvvve".

That's right folks, ole' Sidney ain't alive. As a young Judge he realised that as all crime was commited by the living, life must therefore be a crime. Evidence kinda backed this up of course. Not many perps re-offended after being shot at point-blank range through the left eyeball. So Sid and three of his closest cronies went on a bit of a mission to wipe out life on their world (Richard & Judy are on a similar mission in this country). After early accusations of hypocricy (or, in the interest of factual correctness, of hypocricaaarrrrgggggggg) the boys found a way to kill themselves and still continue their good work.

So, in summary:

1. The dude is dead and can't be killed. If his body is destroyed he just gets a new one. Yoda has to keep getting lucky forever, old JD just has to get a killing blow in once.
2.He has huge experience in leaving other people sans life so we ain't talking about a paduan learner being presented for his first whupping. Sid's been there, done that, killed the teeshirt maker.
3. He has three equally badass hardcore buds in the form of Judges Mortice, Fear and Fire and can also call on the services of the Sisters of Death, Nausea & Phobia.
4. He has very strong Psi powers, 2000 AD's version of The Force.

Judge Death. JD. Job Done.

Soldiers of misfortune.

2005-11-30T08:36:00.000Z

"Dear BeatYoda.Inc
I nominate The A-Team for the following fine reasons:

^{A bunch of 'Crazy Fools', yesterday}

1. They come as a diverse entity, where as that Yoga dude hangs around by himself in some creepy lagoon – I think in today’s age Social Services would probably have something to say
2. They can drive a van, with slidey doors and stuff
3. Their leader ‘Hannibal’ can morph into other life-forms to make himself known to the good guys at the start of each show
4. They can make a sophisticated armoured vehicle out of a cabbage, a loo-roll holder and a pencil
5. They are still on the run despite breaking out of military detention centre in 1972 (that was 33 years ago!)
6. Yoda has no discernible “bling” whereas B.A.Barracas is the grand-daddy of “bling”
7. They do their goodly work for free and despite their indiscriminate use of machine guns and rocket propelled grenades – No one dies.

I don’t have a picture of the A-team to hand, apart from the special one I have had laminated.
Dave"

Don't worry Dave, this pictures from my personal stash.

Hmmmmm, interesting.

2005-11-25T10:54:00.000Z

The man behind the concept for this ~~complete abuse of the interweb~~ fantastic site, Grandmaster Slatz speaks. Could be a controversial one!

"As a close friend of the little green fella. I do find it quite difficult to think that anyone could get close to the mighty 'Y'
However troubling me something is. Questions in my mind I have about the chosen one I do.

Could the one who restored parity to the force potentially be the 'ONE' to take the scalp of the great yoda??? Reasons why even I the starkest of Yoda supporters want this question answered! Could Anakin Skywalker (prior to becoming Darth Vader) beat Yoda

^{Sparx, the day after the Prodigy gig, yesterday}

He was hailed to be the ' Greatest Jedi ever?'
He was said to have the best light sabre skills of all jedi's
He was said to be the ' Most powerful Jedi ever '
I know he was turned to the dark side and prior to that he had his hand lobbed off by Count Dooku but - as I said Questions in my mind I have.

Help with them from the fellow Jedi Council Members I need.
Meditate on this I shall !!!!"

Electric Boogaloo

2005-11-23T11:56:00.000Z

Another day another ~~victim~~ nominee. Thanks to Mick over at Never mind the Bloggocks for this. He wrote;

I nominate...
Elektra!

^{How you doin?, yesterday}

The case for Elektra,

She's smart.
She's sexy.
She's a highly trained ninja assasin.

Why she would whup yoda;

Like batman she would use cunning and stealth.
She would mask her intentions from yoda using her Ninja skills.
She would become one with the night and sneek steathily up on Yoda.
When Yoda spots her in her skimpy outfit she would "jiggle" at him.
Yoda would have to find a discreet place to perform the jedi hand trick and while he is occupied Elektra would nail him with her Sai.
Job done.

The White Hand Gang.

2005-11-21T14:06:00.000Z

Nomination #2 comes from the Dark Lord's good lady wife, Mumm-Ra. Over to you Mrs Ever-living.

"I am aware, having been in on the drunken discussions, that Sparx does
not agree with this but I do!

I nominate Saruman, the white wizard turned bad from Lord of the Rings
for several reasons.

^{Christopher Lee hearing that his scenes were cut from 'ROTK' yesterday}

1. He does not have the force but he has magic
2. The magic he uses is rooted in the good side not the dark side
3. He whoops gandalfs' arse
4. He too can make things move without touching them and hold things
off with a magical force.
5. He has the use of magical tools - like the seeing eye thing
6. He can jump (high - I'm sure!!!!)

I have run out of arguments but would welcome some support from out there!

Mumm-ra"

Batman Begins

2005-11-16T16:53:00.000Z

For the inaugural nomination I give you the Dark Knight, Batman.

^{Batman Kicking Yoda's butt yesterday}

But he's just a man I hear you cry, no super powers, no vast armies at his disposal and he has a dubious relationship with his teenage 'sidekick'. I mean for crying out loud, his favourite weapon is a small, bat-shaped boomerang! He won't even pick up a gun (very early comic strips & Batman Year 2 not withstanding).

Fair points the lot of them but I just want to draw your attention to a couple of things.
Firstly, Batman has kicked Superman from Gotham to Metropolis and back on several occasions using brains as well as brawn.
Secondly, he's ever so slightly psycho.

This combination of incredible resource and cunning coupled with a questionable grasp on reality is just what's needed to hand our aged green Jedi master his arse on a plate. You won't find 'Bats' rushing in with all guns blazing, he'll be down in his batcave putting the geek hours in on research and scientific study before emerging with an infallible plan to take the fight by a knockout. Afterwards, standing over his fallen opponent, his cape billowing theatrically in the wind you will not hear him utter an Arnie-like one-liner ("you just weren't good enough to 'force' a draw").
Instead those dark eyes will stare down impassively from that famous mask before he turns and strides off into the darkness where you will find him at the top of the tallest building in Gotham, crouched on a gargoyles nose were he laments the loss of his long-dead parents.

See. Clever, mad and incredibly deep. No contest.

*footnote. Obviously none of this applies to Val Kilmers Batman, a sorrier waste of space there has never been.